“ Why don't these women run away? ” This is the question many people ask when a woman is a victim of violence . Where there is abuse, where there is deception, where one lives in terror, there is no love. When a man is aggressive, any attitude can lead him to violence, and when that happens, he knows no limits. “ I couldn't free myself from him; every time I left him, he haunted me .” With these words, Sveva, a 26-year-old from Naples, recounts her experience with a violent man.

What was the first sign that made you realize you were dealing with an abusive person?
"I was 17 when I met him. I was in Ostuni, Puglia, with my family for the summer holidays, and Marco was the classic boy next door, even if only for two weeks. Every evening, at the same time, he sat on the second step of the wooden staircase that led to the sea and Once, while passing by, he asked me, "What clothes do you wear when you go out alone with your friends?" Well, for me, that was the first sign. At the time, I didn't pay attention to what he was asking; I was just happy because he had noticed me, and to me, it meant he appreciated my body. But now, many of his behaviors are completely clear to me: I was dealing with an aggressive and manipulative man: a narcissist.".

When did he start manipulating you and becoming aggressive?
"It was August 15th, and they were having a beach party complete with guitars and bonfires. I was wearing my usual swimsuit: a pink, crocheted two-piece. 'Don't you dare let my friends see you in that swimsuit again!' I thought Marco's words were spoken out of love. I was wrong. And from that moment on, slaps, kicks, punches, at least once a week. He decided what I should wear, who I should date, and he walked me to school in the morning and home after school, as well as to dance or whatever else I had to do. It had become a nightmare. A nightmare I couldn't escape. I didn't have the courage to leave him: he was my first love, if you can call it that.".

How long did your story last?
"A year later, my parents began to realize the situation because I was coming home with bruises and scratches on my body, and it was happening every week. I decided to leave him, but he wouldn't leave me alone. I found him everywhere, in every place I went: outside school, under home, outside dance school".

Have you ever thought about reporting him?
"Yes, but I never had the courage or the mental strength to do it. I had no energy left to do anything. He had stolen everything from me, even my will to live. Luckily, my mother and father took my place. When they saw me coming home for the umpteenth time with bruises on my arms, they decided to meet his parents and tell them everything, telling them that if Marco ever came near me again, they would call the police. I never heard from him again. I no longer received those threatening messages, nor a letter, nor a phone call. I could feel free to go out with my friends, go to dance or school without living in terror of meeting the person who was destroying my existence.".

Do you have any advice for women like you who have experienced violence?
"At the first sign of bullying, the first offensive words, run away. Psychological abuse is sometimes even more dangerous than physical abuse. Don't wait for them to physically harm you, because if they criticize you and use offensive words no matter what you do, it won't be long before they resort to physical violence. They don't love you.".

It's not easy for those who experience it to escape this nightmare, especially when dealing with a manipulative man. This man, known as a narcissist , is someone who damages his woman's life in all types of relationships, belittling her and preventing her from perceiving her value. He absorbs her vital energy to appropriate it and use it for his own benefit. The narcissist creates a different identity for himself, appearing kind, respectful, and caring compared to other men. He talks a lot about himself, telling positive stories about himself and how impeccable he is, in order to gain his prey's complete trust and deflect any hypothetical suspicions. He has only one goal: to become irreplaceable , indispensable to his victim, so much so that he deprives her of any ability to move on her own, to the point of manipulating her like a puppet, pulling the strings as he pleases. He puts on a perfect performance, and when he's really sure he has the situation under control, he starts managing the relationship by imposing rules , becoming abusive to the point of physical violence , sometimes even killing her.

To help women victims of violence, an experiential course called " The Labyrinth " was held on March 9th and 10th, organized by the Fair of Critical Consumption and Sustainable Lifestyles. Many women were taught how to recognize a violent man in just 10 minutes. Everyone should understand the terrible ordeal of victims of violence , the oppression they suffer and are held prisoner by, and the death to which a woman is condemned. Domestic violence affects 1 in 3 women during her lifetime. 116 women die each year in Italy. 8 in 10 women do not file a complaint. Love should bring joy. Love is not suffering.

Alessandra Federico

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